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Can I Get Ezud's Opinion?

Well, I have another writing poem due tomorrow, this time the topic was Susan B. Anthony.

I have another day to make improvements, please keep in mind I wrote this is around 10 mins, and i am 14.

Constructive criticism is appreciated, unnecessary posts will be reported <3

Unless I love you of course.

Quote:

One To Be Remembered.
A poem about Susan B. Anthony

She was the angel that found the light in a world of hatred and misunderstanding.

With the gentleness of a newborn kitten playing with yarn.

Yet wielding the attitude towards prejudice like that of a lion chasing his prey

Susan B. Anthony is one to be remembered.

With a tear filled battle with the government of the past.

Deeds of ***8220;Criminal***8221; acts done for the overall good.

Susan B. Anthony is one to be remembered.

The soul of a warrior, locked away in a women***8217;s heart.

Prepared to battle for her beliefs, and never to give up.

Susan B. Anthony was one to be remembered.

She reminds the ignorant of the hardships of women.

Her teachings for the overall good of a nation.

Susan B. Anthony was one to be remembered.

Her greatest Achievement of all ***8211;

Doing the impossible and making a difference.

Susan B. Anthony is one to be remembered.

-------------------------------------------
By Jared ****** an 8th grade student.

XD.
I think it's fantabulous babe.
Especially the part about the kitten. <3

Goodjob.

Well, i'm not very good at this thing Jared. So i'm gonna tell you what my teacher tells me.
Increase your vocabulary, broadin the things in your mind. As tough as an Oxen, that's used alot. Think of something not a lot of people right. You have to stick out.
Other then a couple of off words, pretty good poem.

Beleive it or not, I was thinking about collin, u, and tyriq when I wrote those first two lines xD

Keep it coming hobos!

The more criticism the better!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tranquility (Post 48441)

True, but at 11 pm its the closest I can come to a word that describes stubborn, but I'm gonna keep looking, thanks for the advice :D and any specific "off" words you can point out?

long story short if mine is better than 1/5 of my "team" at school I get published.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jared (Post 48442)

Beleive it or not, I was thinking about collin, u, and tyriq when I wrote those first two lines xD

Keep it coming hobos!

The more criticism the better!

xD, why rofl? That's really random. But, who's the kitten O.o?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tranquility (Post 48444)

xD, why rofl? That's really random. But, who's the kitten O.o?

Vista when hes drunk :a44:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tranquility (Post 48444)

xD, why rofl? That's really random. But, who's the kitten O.o?

I'm the kitten, duh.
I'm so cuddly. xD

I changed it, not sure if it's any better.

Quote:

With the gentleness of a kitten with yarn.

But also the attitude torwards prejudice like that of a lion chasing his prey

Alot of the analogys dont have much meaning or dont make much sense for example the kitten analogy does not make much sense. I think you are repeating one to be remembered a little to much.