Short Stories and novels spark more interest and get a notion across to people better than an essay (in this case, your personal essay). But if you feel the need to write a personal essay, by all means, do so. As Endyofstory stated, its hard to really FEEL what you're talking about due to living in different societies.
But to critique your essay; I think its a bit too general. You don't really touch on any clear issues. It sounds like you took a sentenced and stretched it into a few long paragraphs. And if your personal essay is trying to get across a point you should relate to personal experiences, motivation (quotes, history... ect) and repetition works well.
|