My Story For Language Arts 8th Grade.

[Jared]

Seeing as how we don't have a writing section, ill put this here.

Wrote it up in around 20 minutes.

Jared Ba****
Period 3
09/10/08
My Life Changing Experience.

Two wrongs don’t make a right? Until this point in my life, that was the most untrue sentence to me ever. All of it had happened so fast, I mean, I had heard of course about people doing the wrong things at the wrong time, but I had always thought that nothing like that could happen to me or any of my friends. Well I soon found out that that statement was a complete and total lie. I had learned and was taught by friends that living life in an uncaring manner as to my personal safety (with some exceptions) was the way to go, simply because it involves very little thought, and saves A LOT of time in the long run.

Of course my parents had always warned me about strangers, doing unsafe physical things, just as any parent would have, and they always told me to wear my helmet when I went outside, but even those little words of wisdom would not have prepared me for what I was about to experience on the Cooper City hockey rink.

I wasn’t exactly having the best day at school; my teacher had told me that I was simply a disruption to the classroom and was soon removed, I had gotten a C+ on a homework assignment that I had literally stayed up for the whole entire night beforehand just trying to make sure I’d get a good grade, but apparently that didn’t happen as I had anticipated. So by the time I got home, I was in a sluggish mood, although there was one thing I was looking forward too – Hockey! I finished my thirty questions of math homework and took a nap, whilst I dreamt I had a dream of me in a state of panic, but I was woken up by my mom before I was able to see what had caused it. “Jared, Jared, JARED wake up, your going to be late, and dads in the car”, she said. I yawned while mumbling, “Do I have too? Just let me sleep, five more minutes!” but I knew it wasn’t going to turn out in my favor so I decided to give up and go get ready. I put on my pads slowly, but the sudden honk from my dad’s police car made me jump so I jumped into my hockey pants and jolted out the door. On the way to Cooper City hockey rink, my dad told me the basics “Jared, I don’t want to see any penalties from you tonight, play a good hard game, and no matter what always go for the puck when on defense” So I took his words of advice, and skated from the car to the rink.

Considering the time of day, it was reasonably sunny outside, as I skated to the rink, I was suddenly blinded, and I saw for the first time in quite a while the blazing gold uniforms of the pythons. We never did quite understand why their uniform was like that, but we never really cared enough to actually go and ask our greatest rivals. The game started with tensions high, and our eyes on the prize, and we all had to deal with a brush fire from the everglades which made the rink full of smoke, but because of the competitiveness of both teams no one was about to back down although the smell of smoke was making my eyes water. The game started off simple if you ask me. Two to one the score was entering the second period. The other team got into a huge huddle, and we knew something wrong was about to happen. A minute after the break between the delay, the other team had a glisten in their eye.

It was like the first gunshot in a new war. It was silence breaking and made everyone wonder what was going on. Number 17 and I were both going for the puck, he was around two inches shorter than me, as I reached the puck, I felt air go under me and the kid tripped me. I went flying straight into a wall, this was something new for me, as for my size, most people wouldn’t have the guts to take me on, but to my dismay, I looked down and saw blood on my orange jersey, it tasted bitter and at that moment all I could do was sit there and take the abuse until the referee called a penalty. That’s were I was mistaken! The referee would not be calling any penalties, for whatever reason, he acted as if he didn’t see a thing. The coach started screaming at the referee telling him to do something about the situation, but he refused.

My friend grabbed his hockey stick and swung at a kid, the kid ducked and took his and pinned my friend against the wall. I went in to try to break them up, but I was simply mauled by three of their players, and yet again, I was sent into the boards, but this time with a new twist! My stick was in front of me on a collision course with the wall and suddenly I heard a SNAP! And my stick went right into two long sharp pieces. My other friend went and asked the referee why he wasn’t doing anything, and the referee (who was a teenager) pushed him down and that’s when all the parents lost it. In a matter of FIVE seconds, every parent was out on the field arguing, and our team managed to somehow squeeze out of the bench. We skated as fast as we could to the police station and reported what was going on, and they rushed to the scene. Everyone stopped in their tracks when the police showed up, and tried to make it seem as if it wasn’t any of their faults, the police got several reports from the kids, and some of the adults. In the end, two people were fined, and the referee’s license revoked.

All in all, when I look back on that day, I see how it impacted my life as not only a hockey player, but as a human being, it showed me that not everyone can be trusted, and that safety is always a top priority no matter what is going on.

Before you all crack on me for calling the cops, thats NOT what happened, I simply needed something 8th grade friendly to quickly wrap it up. And its due in 2 days, so can ezud deliver? :O

[~StArlIght~]

This doesn't sound bad at all,actually.Good read,believable,perfect.

[TheGopher]

I agree. That's a very good essay. I cannot find any mistakes.
I did find something you could improve upon though:

So I took his words of advice, and skated from the car to the rink.

Considering the time of day, it was reasonably sunny outside, as I skated to the rink

Did you skate to the rink? Or did you walk to it and then put on your skates? Saying you skated to the car makes it sound like everything is made of ice and you skated to the rink.

Other than that little bit, it is really good. You should get an A, not a C+ lol

[juvenilepunk]

The date on the paper is 9/10/08 the date today is 9/25/08 you say its due in two days. So you already turned it almost two weeks ago. Why do you need our opinions if its already been turned in?

[LinkMaster03]

He started it on the 10th obviously.

Sounds good. Except for the world and roads being made of ice etc.

[juvenilepunk]

Oh, I usually finish a paper the same day I start it. Its not bad though, you used alot of commas and should maybe make new sentences. Other than that not to bad.

[Jared]

I wrote it days ago, but it took me 45 minutes o.o

was due today.