Death By Twighlight - story

[Unknown]

Death By Twighlight

Darkness engulfed the daylight, the moon shone through the shattered glass window, gleaming across Sergeant Lukes' peaceful face.

Luke awoke, as he looked around he found the rest of his squadron dead before him.
Sadness engulfed him, his team, dead on his command.

His face corrupted with fear and hatred from the enemy he had fought just hours before.
This wasn't just agony, it was mental torment.

He sat there, slumped on the dirt ridden floor. A piece of glass had caught his eye, he picked it up and examined himself within its reflection.

He was tall, broad and wide shouldered & his hair was as black as oil. Luke looked stunned, as if he had no clue about who he was.
He turned away not wanting to look at himself, his loss of memory was to much to handle.

After scanning the area, he found a radio. He pulled at the radio phone and spoke into it, 'H- h- h- hello?'
He waited for what seemed an eternity, but all that was returned, was the empty sound of cracking on the line.

He had succumbed to tears. Who was he? Why was he here? Why was his whole squadron dead....

At exactly that moment, he felt a striking pain in his skull. He turned and whispered 'why?'
All was lost, Luke blacked out, surrounding himself in total darkness.

Nowhere near completed or finished, i have alot more to do!

[Hummus]

Sounds interesting. Hope there's more soon

[Jacques]

Are you an English writer.
Sounds good.

[jcq]

"He was tall broad and wide shouldered , his hair black as oil."

Sounds good so far, just clean up some of the wording.

[Unknown]

Originally Posted by Hummus

Sounds interesting. Hope there's more soon

There will be very shortly!

Originally Posted by Jacques

Are you an English writer.
Sounds good.

Yes in fact, i am!

Originally Posted by jcq

"He was tall broad and wide shouldered , his hair black as oil."

Sounds good so far, just clean up some of the wording.

Will fix that, when i next update it thankyou.

[Beanhax]

i hate that book soo freakin much lol

[Siyico1]

ENGLISH COURSEWORK I GATHER?

xD

[Lust]

The beginning is nice, but I don't like how you space everything out so neatly.

[EskimoANM]

Very detailed and riveting beginning. Keep up the good work and this story will be be great. This is definetly better than anything i could write.

Now, i think i might have found a few minor errors. However don't trust my judgement, i'm not the best at english. ;)

I mentioned a few minor errors, below, that i thought were wrongly worded.:)

Originally Posted by Unknown

As he sat there, slumped on the dirt ridden floor. A piece of glass had caught his eye, he picked it up and examined himself within its reflection.

The "As" at the beginning of the sentence should be removed, just read over it, it'll be worded better. Or just combine the first and second sentences as the following:

"As he sat there, slumped on the dirt ridden floor, a piece of glass caught his eye. He picked it up an examined himself within its reflection."

Originally Posted by Unknown

He was tall broad and wide shouldered & his hair was as black as oil. Luke looked stunned, as if he had no clue about who he was.
He turned away not wanting to look at himself, his loss of memory was to much to handle.

As stated earlier, you Just need to work on that first sentence. Example:

"He was tall, broad, whide shouldered and his hair was as black as oil."

Originally Posted by Unknown

After scanning the area he found a radio. He pulled at the radio phone and spoke into it, 'H- h- h- hello?'

First sentence need's a comma. Example:

"After scanning the area, he found a radio."

[Enemy]

Very nice. Well written, with very descriptive words.
The only thing that I would fix is that you use the word engulf twice in a short amount of time. When you say "Sadness engulfed him" try and find a different word for engulf.
Keep it up.

~Enemy